Eleventh

So I got "tagged" by Jenn.  A list can be a difficult thing, but this is a reflective time. This is a bit of a crossroads, I am definitely no longer a kid (except to the octogenarians, its all in the perspective) and have tried to use this year to think about what I have done so far and to reflect on my goals for the next 60 years (or so).  I have had trouble finding three things for each category, so I just listed as many items as are pertinent.

My joys:

• my family
  
• my friends
• my work
• my (and my family's) health. 

I am the luckiest person I know.

My fears:

• making a mistake at work.  I love my job.  One of my greatest challenges, however, is the command of the Hippocratic oath;"First, do no harm".  Unfortunately, it is possible to harm both by not doing enough and by doing too much.  Missing a diagnosis is something every physician is constantly vigilant against.  On the other hand, diagnostic tests can also reveal incidental findings which have no clinical significance but can cause extra anxiety and unnecessary testing or procedures.  Finding the right balance is a constant struggle and still causes sleepless nights.
  
• multiple sclerosis

My goals:

• making a difference, to my family and my patients, and maybe someday the world beyond
• peace, within myself, toward others and in the world
• 40 (or so) more years of Ragbrai

Obsessions/collections

• Ragbrai
• my garden
• collections-old globes and antique watering cans

Surprising facts

(I'm not sure how anything could be surprising to readers as everyone has known me for a long time!)

• I was a cheerleader in high school
• I played rugby (poorly) in college
• I delivered a very special baby three days after S's birth.  (This is one of the reasons I no longer need to prove my physical and mental toughness--two centuries, two deliveries, residency and Libby's birth (which actually wasn't that hard) )

Tenth

We went to Adventureland, the kids and I, with my friend J and her kids.   We arrived early enough to stay on the rides as long as the kids wished.  Sometimes the older kids teamed up with younger kids when moms (me) were too scared to ride.  We played and rode, hit the water park, then rode a few last rides before heading home.  We had a great time spending the day with friends.

Ninth

Another realization this week.  I'm going to call this opportunity for an experience.  It's monarch butterfly time in Iowa.  Working in the garden last weekend, I noticed 10 caterpillars on my butterfly weed and showed them to S.  He immediately wanted to put them in one of the many terrariums we have and observe them for a while.  I always discourage this because I worry whatever animal he houses may die under our care (I have enough of that sort of thing to worry about at work).  Usually he is pretty good about letting the toad or praying mantis or snake go after a few hours.  We fed and watched the three caterpillars for three days.  They ate the fresh butterfly weed we gave them with ferocious appetite.  Then one after another they climbed to the top of the terrarium, hung upside down for a few hours and made their beautiful chrysalises. (Yes that is the right word, my mac says so!) We will open the lid, so that if they hatch when we are not here, they can fly away.   Although I still believe wild things need to stay wild, I do love watching these right outside my back door.  What a fleeting gift of beauty made possible by S's curiosity.  I must remember to encourage and nurture this opportunity for an experience.

Eighth

I had a realization this week.  Actually, I had quite a few.  (more later)  On a ride with C, we were talking about parents and events of the summer.  Through our conversation, I realized one of my basic beliefs about life needs to be revised.

I think most people feel gratitude for the amazing things that (most) parents do for their children.  I think it starts as a child ("thanks for taking me to adventureland"), fades a bit during teenage years and returns as we enter adulthood.  For example, I was and am profoundly indebted to my parents for helping support and fund my education, as well as all that came before and after.  What especially amazed me was the experience of caring for my own infant.  I remember thinking, my parents did all this for me, and I behaved so miserably as a teen? ( how could they ever forgive me?  I know they realized it was part of growing up.)

After Kate was born, my mom was an amazing source of support as I fought through the stress, uncertainty and fatigue of having a new baby and returning to residency 5 weeks after Kate's birthday.  (I took an extra week of vacation to extend my month long maternity leave.)  Since that time I have recognized the need new mothers have for the advice and support of other mothers.  The luckiest, like me, have a mother-figure close by to take care of the new mom and the new baby.  I tell patients, "No one takes care of you like your mother".   

But on that ride with C last week, I realized this is not the whole truth, not for everyone.  Not everyone, unfortunately, has such parents as mine and, certainly I'm leaving out fathers.  C, L and I are blessed to have accepting, loving parents who have a home we love to come back to. My mother can make almost anything happen if she sets her mind to it, and is the ultimate nurturer.  Her weakness, of course, is taking care of herself.  I think she is starting to learn this, I hope.

Dad also takes care of us, just in different ways.  Of course, the amazing work I get to do everyday, the practice he built over 40 years is the best example.  I have the best job in the world, and it is due to his hard work and generosity.  Now that he is retired, he also spends his time doing the chores I have trouble getting around to--building K a loft, fixing the door to the rabbit shed.  

My parents also shower their time and attention on my children, teaching them new skills, giving them the gift of complete acceptance and filling in as emergency babysitters at all hours. 

I'm reasonably certain my parents did not facilitate things happening for me in this way when I was a kid.  I remember Saturday mornings moving manure,  making cider and learning the value of hard work.  I remember mowing lawns, cleaning the office.  Of course, there was lots of laughter and adventure as well.  When I got only an A (not an A+) on the test; "What did you miss?"  They made me who I am.  The acceptance and encouragement I have received his amazing.  I only hope I can be live up to the parenting model I have witnessed. 

So I realize, not everyone has parents like mine.  Not everyone is cared for by parents like mine; not everyone has a place to come home to.  I noticed this first in college when friends couldn't believe I was willing to stay in the same town, and later in residency when people couldn't imagine why I was returning home, much less to practice with my parents.  I love living close to my parents, for obviously selfish reasons.   I would wish for everyone a caretaker of their own, whether parent, friend or partner.  This summer, my family got to meet a new friend, a treasure, someone I would be glad to call my sister.  I have gotten to watch my mom and dad take care of her.  She deserves to be taken care of like this; we all do.  

So I need to amend my thinking.  I was wrong; its not "No one takes care of you like your mother", its "No takes care of me like my mom and dad".  In a perfect world, that would be true for every child, for a very long time.  Thank you, mom and dad from the bottom of my heart. 

Seventh

The first day of school.  Exciting changes for students and parents alike.

S began first grade with Mrs. H.  He has not historically been forthcoming with details from his day.  I thought I was pretty smart when I asked him to tell me three things he noticed his first day of school.  His response:  "Mrs. H is a girl";"Our room rocks";no third.  I'll have to come up with a new strategy.  I know he'll make huge strides this year, I'll just have to watch and learn.

K came home bubbling with information about her first day.  She is learning to move into new challenges more easily.  This is a development in her personality and I am proud of her.  She loves her new teachers.  She can't get her locker open by herself yet, but is dealing with this well.  She has solemnly sworn to make good food choices at lunch.  I am excited to see which band instrument she picks.

Sixth

A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

Two new rabbits joined our house today.  The kids had a great time with them.  Here they are in a rare moment of peace.  School starts in three days.  I will have a first grader and a middle schooler.  I think they are breathtaking.

Fifth

So, Ragbrai.  Always an amazing week, and this year was no exception.  People usually say the same thing when I mention Ragbrai,  "you do Ragbrai?" and "The whole thing?".  To which I could reply,  "How could I not do Ragbrai, it is the special, different week of the year when I get to shed all responsibilities and do as I please"?....Of course, I love my life, I am the luckiest person I know.  I live with an amazing husband, gorgeous children, I love my work.  

But for that one week of the year  all responsibility is lifted, and what a week it is.

Spending a week with Carlos, one of the greatest people in the whole world, is amazing.  He is so much like me, we share so many memories, but he has chosen such a different path, and I have so much to learn from him.  Taking Carlos' house, the airstream, made the trip so much fun. Living in a jewel box like a band of gypsy brothers and sisters, taking outdoor showers, eating beautiful meals as the sun sets, sublime.

Jen and Jason, I can't believe I have such neat friends.  I secretly know its because I have such a cool bro that I got to meet them, but I'll take that.  Again, I have so much to learn from Jen and Jason, lessons I hope to incorporate in the coming year.

We added new people this year, folks who will hopefully ride with us for always and ever.  I am so blessed to know such people.  Its amazing how hard it is for me to see all these friends split and go their separate ways at the end of the week.  In my head, I know we can always be in touch and that we have many more weeks to spend together, but it is difficult to lose the constant positive affirmation of being with such amazing people. Oh, and difficult to give up the dancing, more about that later.

I love the opportunity to ride my bike; I can get so strong by the end of the week!  I love my bike and the sensation of flying (as fast as this non-risk taker will ever move!)  I try all week long to lift my eyes from the pavement or bikers in front of me and appreciate the beauty of the places we visit and attend to my good fortune to have such an opportunity.

The laughter, the fun, the dancing, the eating, the riding, did I mention that I get to do this with amazing people?  We have a schedule--get up, laugh, get ready, bike, stop to eat, laugh, dance, bike.  Then we get in, greet Marie and the other riders, rest, shower, talk, laugh.  Then we eat and dance until the band is done.  Shortly thereafter, sleep and repeat. 

Enjoying an amazing week with fabulous, wonderful people, how could I not do Ragbrai?

Thanks team stream.  What a ride.