Eighth

I had a realization this week.  Actually, I had quite a few.  (more later)  On a ride with C, we were talking about parents and events of the summer.  Through our conversation, I realized one of my basic beliefs about life needs to be revised.

I think most people feel gratitude for the amazing things that (most) parents do for their children.  I think it starts as a child ("thanks for taking me to adventureland"), fades a bit during teenage years and returns as we enter adulthood.  For example, I was and am profoundly indebted to my parents for helping support and fund my education, as well as all that came before and after.  What especially amazed me was the experience of caring for my own infant.  I remember thinking, my parents did all this for me, and I behaved so miserably as a teen? ( how could they ever forgive me?  I know they realized it was part of growing up.)

After Kate was born, my mom was an amazing source of support as I fought through the stress, uncertainty and fatigue of having a new baby and returning to residency 5 weeks after Kate's birthday.  (I took an extra week of vacation to extend my month long maternity leave.)  Since that time I have recognized the need new mothers have for the advice and support of other mothers.  The luckiest, like me, have a mother-figure close by to take care of the new mom and the new baby.  I tell patients, "No one takes care of you like your mother".   

But on that ride with C last week, I realized this is not the whole truth, not for everyone.  Not everyone, unfortunately, has such parents as mine and, certainly I'm leaving out fathers.  C, L and I are blessed to have accepting, loving parents who have a home we love to come back to. My mother can make almost anything happen if she sets her mind to it, and is the ultimate nurturer.  Her weakness, of course, is taking care of herself.  I think she is starting to learn this, I hope.

Dad also takes care of us, just in different ways.  Of course, the amazing work I get to do everyday, the practice he built over 40 years is the best example.  I have the best job in the world, and it is due to his hard work and generosity.  Now that he is retired, he also spends his time doing the chores I have trouble getting around to--building K a loft, fixing the door to the rabbit shed.  

My parents also shower their time and attention on my children, teaching them new skills, giving them the gift of complete acceptance and filling in as emergency babysitters at all hours. 

I'm reasonably certain my parents did not facilitate things happening for me in this way when I was a kid.  I remember Saturday mornings moving manure,  making cider and learning the value of hard work.  I remember mowing lawns, cleaning the office.  Of course, there was lots of laughter and adventure as well.  When I got only an A (not an A+) on the test; "What did you miss?"  They made me who I am.  The acceptance and encouragement I have received his amazing.  I only hope I can be live up to the parenting model I have witnessed. 

So I realize, not everyone has parents like mine.  Not everyone is cared for by parents like mine; not everyone has a place to come home to.  I noticed this first in college when friends couldn't believe I was willing to stay in the same town, and later in residency when people couldn't imagine why I was returning home, much less to practice with my parents.  I love living close to my parents, for obviously selfish reasons.   I would wish for everyone a caretaker of their own, whether parent, friend or partner.  This summer, my family got to meet a new friend, a treasure, someone I would be glad to call my sister.  I have gotten to watch my mom and dad take care of her.  She deserves to be taken care of like this; we all do.  

So I need to amend my thinking.  I was wrong; its not "No one takes care of you like your mother", its "No takes care of me like my mom and dad".  In a perfect world, that would be true for every child, for a very long time.  Thank you, mom and dad from the bottom of my heart.